The Most Sobering Moment For Me

Today makes 25 years!

I Want That Mountain...is there climbing involved?

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This could be somewhat of a long story. It is one which belongs in the sadly true category. I am not proud of much of this story, but humbled and thankful for the outcome. I will try not to make heroics out of bad behaviour and poor choices. I would not ordinarily publish this except the landmark of this event is quite a feat.

As some of you may know, as a youth I became troubled and began living a life filled with drugs and alcohol. It all began as so-called innocent partying, nut soon that life began to actually take control of me. It was as if I had no choices. I lived according to what the drugs and alcohol would allow me to do. In short, I had essentially become a slave to the lifestyle.

I had tried rehab a few times. I had gotten several DWIs and…

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Ok, What’s The Deal?

  
I have apologized before for posting so many “potty” related stories on my blog. You know….it’s something that EVERYONE can relate to, and there is a constant flow of new material. Just when you think there can’t be anything new in the world of #2, BAMM!!! ….something else. 

I’m not exactly sure why this toilet paper is Lavendar scented. I’m really HOPING that it is for the benefit of the person whose toilet paper dispenser is mounted on the wall beside the toilet. You know…when it gets a little “fragrant”, you could just spin the roll and smell the flowers. 

Maybe the Lavendar scent is strong enough (at least when you open the package), that it permeates the entire bathroom constantly with the sweet smell of Lavendar….sort of like a preemptive strike. 

Maybe it’s for those weirdos who just like to sniff their toilet paper (before they use it of course!). Who knows? There may come a time when people are so taken by scented toilet paper that they can’t hardly stay out of the bathroom!

If everyone used Lavendar scented toilet paper, would the city waste plants and sewers smell better? 

There’s one thing for sure…it isn’t going to make a turd smell any better, and quite frankly, turds don’t care! I seriously doubt that there is enough fragrance to leave one with a Lavendar smelling behind. 

How did they come up with this idea anyway? I’m thinking that someone, somewhere ran out of toilet paper and remembered that they had some dryer sheets that happened to be Lavendar scented. At least they wouldn’t have had “static cling”.

I’m not sure what the motive REALLY is for having Lavendar scented toilet paper. I have always loved the scent of Lavendar, but now I’m not so sure.

I’d be curious to know if Charmin’s blue bears would enjoy this “go” more with scented toilet paper. I don’t know….maybe bears would eat the Lavendar, and then the “go” wouldn’t be so nice. I guess it remains to be seen whether they switch brands  or not. 

Seriously folks! ….it’s TOILET PAPER!

To Exit Or Not To Exit

I try to watch for odd and amusing things to share from time to time. Here’s a little something that I found in a medical office that I pick up at sometimes.

 

Please excuse the glare of the lights on the “Exit” sign of the “non-exit”. 

By the way….they showed me that this is where Inshould exit the office. I’M SO CONFUSED!!

A Wise Man Said

Plumbers who are very tall should never be allowed to install urinals.

On Automatic Toilets….Sort Of

Just about everybody, in this country (I would assume) uses a toilet of some type almost every day. Now there may be SOME people who use the old-timey outhouses still, and it’s not uncommon for hunters, or those who work in the woods to just…you know… freestyle. I would venture to say, however, that the majority of Americans use toilets..and we hope, on a daily basis.

There was a time when just about all toilets were basically the same. They have a bowl, a seat, a tank, and a flush handle. They were easy enough to use, and most of us grew up learning how to use them. SOME people even grew up learning how to flush them.

Somewhere along the line, someone decided to change things up just a little. Many public toilets are now equipped with automatic flushing systems. The basics of the toilet are about the same, except most of them don’t have that hulking tank back there behind you. They do however have a small pad mounted to the wall with a sensor and usually a manual button. The fact that they have a manual button to flush as well says a lot about the reliability of the concept.

I suppose that they were created because there really are people that either don’t flush on purpose, for whatever reason, or just forget to flush. In a workplace where many people are using the same toilet, the automatic flushers are growing more common. I get the concept. There isn’t much of anything that is worse than entering a stall to do…you know…your daily duty, and some rude jerk before you has left his daily gift there. I really don’t get this. I always feel like it’s important to destroy the evidence. It’s just bad enough that we have to use a toilet behind droves of people who you either don’t know, or don’t know about their health and hygiene. Thus, I suppose the advent of the auto-flusher toilet.

So let’s talk about the freakin genius that invented the “automatically flushing toilet”. Was he some sort of prankster or just plain sadistic? There are some auto-flushing toilets that work fairly close to how they were intended, but let’s face it…there are some which are little more than aggravating at best.

I said earlier that there wasn’t much worse than entering a stall and finding someone’s pride and joy residing in the toilet you intended to use, but I would almost say that some of the auto-flushers are worse. Let’s try to set the scene.

You walk into a stall at a workplace (or public restroom) which is equipped with and auto-flushing toilet. The toilet appears empty and clean, which gives a tiny amount of comfort that you are having to use a toilet behind many asses which you do not know. You turn around, undo your clothes and have a seat. Here’s where the “fun” and unpredictability begin. Some of these evil toilets will immediately flush as you sit down. This startling event has the potential for at least two scenarios…1) you jump up quickly 2) it scares the…pooh out of you.

As a sidebar, it seems like most of the evil auto-flushers that fire off immediately when you sit down also happen to be bidet (pronounced ba-day) hybrids. Somewhere around 50 gallons of water rushes into the toilet at the same time, causing white-caps inside the bowl, and sprays all exposed parts with force that previously only nature could provide. You suddenly feel as if you are emerged unwittingly in the movie “Perfect Storm”.  It is also reminiscent of a Sperm Whale clearing his blow-hole with you sitting there. The comfort that you briefly felt about having a nice clear toilet bowl to work with is now replaced by anger, fear and dread.

What do you do? Do you continue to sit there, or jump up quickly, knowing that it is about to happen once more? There’s almost literally no way to sit back down on the same evil toilet without it happening again. If there is an empty stall beside you, do you gather yourself together and waddle over there, hoping with all hope that the sensor on THAT toilet doesn’t go off if a gnat flies past it?

Some of these wicked toilets will allow you to sit down, luring you into a sense of false security and comfort, and then when you move ever so slightly, the toilet suddenly ROARS into action. By the way…these toilets are almost never quite, but unleash their fury with sounds likely only akin to a tsunami, hurling it’s way onto land and destroying everything in it’s wake.

The water in these toilets is also invariably cold. No, not just cold…about the temperature that Polar Bears thrive on. It can be quite breath-taking, perhaps even ruining the moment which you sat down for in the first place. There’s nothing quite like having water the temperature of say, dry ice flooding the nether regions, and icicles hanging from your frozen arse.

Just what type of trickster designs toilets that literally scare the … you know … out of you? Evil sadistic wretches they are. They most likely receive notifications each time some poor soul has ridden the evil surf of the auto-flusher, howling each time with laughter that would scare the bejeevies out of Stephen King. They probably say things like, “Everytime an auto-flusher flushes, an angel gets his wings!”.

Next time you walk into a stall, and you see the evil auto-flusher, it’s motion sensor blinking innocently, just know that this may be the one. There’s at least one evil flusher in every building.

Oh…and don’t forget that unsuspecting courtesy flush!

 

“If I’m Drunk, I’ll Eat My Shorts!”

No!  No! No! I’m not drunk OR eating shorts…it’s my title for another interesting (relatively) headline news story.

Oh, the merits of drinking too much! It would seem by this story that any amount of drinking is too much for some people, and this man seems to be a prime example.

For some time, I have been administering drug and alcohol tests as a second job. In this field we see all kinds of things. I have had people offer me money to help them cheat…I have had donors leave cold piss, diluted piss, water instead of piss. I have had donors ferociously chewing gum and stuff to attempt to beat a breath test, but I’ve never had one to eat his own shorts to try and beat a breath test. To be fair, I should say that most of the tests that I do are either random tests that some companies require, or tests that are required to fulfill requirements  for Workers Compensation insurance after an accident.

I feel compelled to chase a rabbit here. I always found it amusing that my subjects are called “donors”, as if they are voluntarily donating money to a worthy cause, or old used clothes to Goodwill out of the sheer goodness of their hearts. I guess in an odd sort of way, it is a worthy cause….trying to save your job and get a hospital bill covered by Workers Comp insurance. To be in fact, it IS used urine….if there is such a difference between “used” urine and “new” urine. The breath is DEFINITELY used, and quite often smells like it.

In any case, I can’t even begin to fathom how someone would think of eating their underwear to soak up the alcohol, or whatever he was thinking would happen. To start with, breathalyzers take air from the LUNGS, not the stomach! Maybe the poor dope should have inhaled his underwear instead of eating it.

Furthermore, the story says that he tore the CROTCH out of his underwear! I’m sure that at this point we all have collective amounts of disgust and thoughts of TMI (too much info). As bad as that is, let me add to the disgust. Did that include stripes and all??? Was he a big fan of the al-Qaeda bomber, Umar Farouk Abulmutallab, who tried to detonate a bomb in a plane that was hidden in his underwear?

Incidentally, the underwear bombers device failed to detonate because he had worn his underwear for two weeks and the device had been soiled. The story here doesn’t indicate how long Mr. Zurfluh had been wearing his drawers, but the thought is somewhat provoking, and more than somewhat disgusting.

I’ll just bet his mom was so proud! Just think of the stories that he can tell his children and grandchildren. Oh wait…never mind. I have sneaking suspicion that the next time we all see Mr. Zurfluh’s name in print, it will be in the obituary or in the Darwin Awards.

He was acquitted of the drunk driving citation, but I’ll bet they didn’t tell him that it wasn’t because he ate his underwear. It was more likely because he just wasn’t QUITE that drunk. This begs to question … if he wasn’t THAT drunk, was he just THAT stupid to begin with? I don’t think that I really have to answer that question.

Mr. Zurfluh, you almost made it to the Darwin Awards once. I’m quite sure that it won’t take much extra effort to clinch that award in the near future.

Feeling Like Pooh Today?

  
“I don’t feel very much like Pooh today”, said Pooh.

“There there”, said Piglet. “I’ll bring you tea and honey until you do!”

Mission apparently accomplished!