I’m sure that just about everybody has had an experience with a spork. It’s almost a right of passage. I think it all starts just about the same way.

You stop at KFC (or your favorite processed quickly food establishment), you get your order to the table, or to the house and begin to disperse the delicacies. You eagerly find the plastic ware package, only to find that you are equipped with …. something other than the fork, spoon and knife that you  fully expected, and so justly deserve. You tear the package open only to find the meager packages of salt and pepper, the tiny napkin that you could barely wipe the mouth of a house fly with….and a SPORK.

 

The Average American Spork

That’s right! You’ve unwittingly been sporked. If you had hoped to eat your chosen table fare with this utensil, you are fairly out-of -luck. There’s no hope of tearing the chicken off the bone with this wonderful invention. You can’t possibly eat ALL the mashed potatoes and gravy or Mac and Cheese with a spork, but if you ordered Okra as a side, you may be in luck with that.

Spork.org has a somewhat brilliant observation of sporks. “A spork is a perfect metaphor for human existance. It tries to function as both spoon and fork, and because of this dual nature, it fails miserably at both. You cannot have soup with a spork, it is far too shallow; you cannot eat meat with a spork, the prongs are too small”.

It’s really kind of a slap in the face from an establishment (no matter the name) where you paid way too much for the food, possibly got the right order, and caught an attitude from the person selling it to you.
I sincerely thought that I was going to do quite the original piece on sporks, only to find that sporks have been a subject matter, sometimes even fondly, for years. There are even web sites dedicated to the spork. I even found “The History Of Sporks”! http://www.salon.com/2012/10/06/consider_the_spork/  I had no idea! It’s slightly amusing reading, capped with Spork Mythology and all. 

For Those Born With A Golden Spork In Their Mouth


There have been many variations of Sporks throughout history, proving that some people have little more to do with their lives than try to re-invent the spork wheel, or build a better spork trap. 

The Vicious Saw-toothed Spork

I’m sure that the above pictured Spork is ergonomically designed, as long as you are holding the spoon part. Unfortunately, I’m sure that if I were using it, I would saw my lips up in some way, making for a painful meal. If I were holding the “fork” end, I might inadvertently severe tendons in my hand. It was designed to cut meat you know! Not the “best” Spork for me.

Infamous Face-Stabbing Spork


This Spork is designed with nice long tines which MAY be good for fork eating folks, but imagine the law suits which could result from those tines piercing a cheek or lip. It might be handy for those who enjoy wearing fish hook piercings  in their faces though! The spoon portion looks slightly useless except when wanting to pour soup into your mouth. 

Sporks of Many Colors


It’s one dexterous person who can eat with 5 Finger Sporks! On second thought, I think it is quite the sicko that buys and uses these. It’s one thing to buy them as a joke or a novelty gift, but anyone (besides a kid) who would seriously use them is beyond dementia. 

How Pro-Life Sporks Are Made


As I began to research the manufacture of Sporks, I came across the above picture. I immediately stopped my research. I don’t want it to be said that I don’t believe that forks shouldn’t have a choice. Perhaps organization isn’t the only reason that our silverware drawers have dividers! 

I’ve been looking for some type of business to engage in, and I believe I’ve decided what I want to do….

……I’m going to open a Spork farm. I’m sure that the Spork gene pool has some fantastic bloodlines these days, and after all, how much could a Spork Breeding farm cost? But then again, looking at some of the above pictures, it would appear that there has been some incestual Spork breeding going on as well.